It is NEVER OK-KNOW THE SIGNS:Domestic Violence

KNOW THE SIGNS:Domestic Violence
THIS is more important today than ever before.

We must read and know that abuse is still prevalent and very much in the public conversation today. So we are very pleased to be sponsoring the Spaghetti Dinner to raise awareness for the Coalition.

This week we will hold a spaghetti dinner to help raise funds for the Eastern Shore Coalition Against Domestic Violence at Naomi Makemie Presbyterian Church on Friday October 14 from 5-7 pm.

It is an honor to serve a congregation that puts the issue of domestic violence as an important and necessary mission of the church.

So as we approach our dinner tomorrow night let's review the signs and symptoms of domestic violence. Let's understand the destructive patterns of violence against women. What is abuse against women? 

Abuse against women is physical and emotional. Physical abuse occurs in unwanted sexual advances, rape, assault, and many other forms of touching a woman's body without her permission.
The book "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel MFCC is an excellent resource for women, men and anyone in relationships with other human beings.This article is filled with information from her book.

Here is a quick list of some types emotional abuse that women suffer:

• Domination-men who dominate women need to be in charge, and they seek to control every detail of a person's life actions. They often resort to threats to get their way.
• Verbal assaults-this behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, screaming, blaming and using sarcasm and humiliation. This is particularly dangerous because these assaults demean and diminish the woman or any human being for that matter. It is dangerous because it is difficult for women to heal from this abuse. 
• Abusive expectations-unreasonable demands placed on a woman and no matter what the woman does it is never good enough. She is subjected to constant criticism.
• Emotional blackmail-this is a powerful form of manipulation. It is the conscious or unconscious coercion of a person to have them do what this person (man) wants by playing on fear, guilt, or compassion. 
• Unpredictable responses-the abuser has unpredictable outbursts and inconsistent responses. Mixed signals are continuously sent and the abused is never sure of what triggers the outbursts.
• Constant criticism-the insidious nature of consistent, continuous criticism that cumulates and eats away at the persons self worth and self confidence. 
• Character assassination-mistakes are blown out of proportion. There does not seem to be a level of severity-burnt toast is as bad as a burnt house; past failures are always brought to light. Humiliation is the constant game that is played.
• Gaslighting-purposely creating an atmosphere through a variety of insidious techniques to make a person doubt herself, her memory, her perceptions, even her very sanity. This person denies what he has said or done. He will tell her that she is lying. He will avoid responsibility for his actions and tell her she is exaggerating. 
• Constant chaos-continuous chaos is the norm. The abuser seems to have an addiction to drama. Arguments are started for what appears to be no reason. It seems the person is adept of keeping the relationship and all that is around him in constant crisis. 
• Sexual harassment-unwelcome, unwanted, sexual advances, or physical or verbal conduct of a sexual nature. 

Friends NONE of this is OK!!

These predators have behaviors and women need to be informed how to spot them:

Check out this list on "How to Spot an Abuser"

• Poor impulse control
• Low self-esteem
• Selfishness and narcissism
• Needy and demanding
• Poor social skills
• Alcohol and drug abuse
• history of being abusive
• history of mental illness
• emotionally dependent
• antisocial behavior
• need for power and control
• conspiracy theorists 

We can spot the abuser and we can learn the M.O. of the abuser: 

• Victor: abusive expectations, and domination
• The Napoleon complex:the need to ridicule, and behave in anyway necessary to shame, blame and put the other down in order to make themselves look good.
• The Bulldozer: these people mow over everyone in their path. they will tear others down and take them down with them. These people are power hungry and will do and say anything to get ahead. 
• The controllers: these people have much of the above combined in order to have and maintain the control they have over another. Threatening to the point that others are afraid is real and again also very dangerous.
• Sex addiction: this person pleads or demands sexual contact frequently and becomes angry, hostile and manipulative in order to get what he wants. 
• The anti-social personality: these people do not live by the same set of rules and values as anyone else lives by. They create their own desires, their own agenda and they blame everyone around them for their behavior. They are incapable of loyalty to others. 
• The Misogynist: complete lack of respect for anyone other than they are. Hatefulness towards women by men, This hatefulness permeates throughout all interactions with women by making fun of them, by seeing them as sex objects, even to the point of becoming sexually violent towards them.
• The Blamer: they are NEVER wrong. they are incapable of apology. 
• The Destroyer: The goal to destroy their victims.
• Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: This person is gentle and kind and in an instant turn to rude, crude, angry, hurtful behavior.

If any of you have ever experienced behavior towards you in this way then you have been a victim of abuse. Know the signs and know it is NEVER OK! And the abuser must be stopped.